Physical – The Read to Recovery

Recovering from surgery sucks for several reasons – one of the things I found hardest was my inability to move much and do things for myself. I had a brief window into what it must be like to lose your independence and have to rely on others for the simplest things that before I’d very much taken for granted. For the first few days I couldn’t walk far, so leaving the house at all didn’t happen much. After that, I couldn’t drive for a while so was limited to a local walk. Personally, I struggle to just go out for a wander, I want a purpose to my outings. So I went to the library. I took my time looking at shelves I wouldn’t normally when I’m doing a quick fiction pick-up, and searched for books on my husband’s TBR list as well, enjoying the feeling of being able to something useful for someone else.

After a few weeks I had two days off in between jobs – and was now able to drive! My husband was at work and I was slightly sick of my own company by this point, so having a couple of days “to myself” wasn’t as appealing as it would otherwise have been. I’d spent enough time on my sofa to last a lifetime, and desperately wanted to feel like I was doing something productive (but I didn’t want to clean the house or anything…). I had a few ideas but they were all house-based and I really wanted to get some fresh air. You know that feeling when your skin starts to tell you you’ve been inside for too long? Yeah, that.

Luckily, about a year before, I had decided to set myself the challenge of visiting all the libraries in Oxfordshire. It neatly coincided with me buying my first bullet journal, so I created a lovely little library-bingo sheet for myself, and ticked off the two I’d been to so far. I love libraries. I know they tend to be very similar, especially ones within a county, but look a little closer and you’ll see the care that the staff have put into creating their displays – contributions from local children doing their summer reading challenge, staff reading recommendations etc – that are unique at each location. And if you’re around at the right times, you’ll glimpse some of the activities and groups they run, from crossword clubs to story and rhyme sessions. Libraries are just such wonderful places to be, why wouldn’t I want to see them all?

After charting a course of libraries in close proximity, I set off and visited six libraries, settling into a nearby cafe each day to refuel. I set myself a flexible rule that I would borrow a book from each library and was prepared to waive it given the size of my reading pile, but there was a must-read in each one. It was the perfect outing; libraries are calm, quiet places, but there’s always a bit of activity – there were staff processing new books, retirees reading the papers, a father reading quietly to his captivated little girl, and a man who visits the library regularly to find someone to talk to. I wasn’t in a rush so really took my time, and ended up having conversations with the staff about my quest, which made me realise that I used to often talk about what I was borrowing with someone but self-service machines – although brilliant – have removed this part of the experience. I also discovered that my book limit was not 12 as I had thought, but 20. Best. News.

I was able to leave the house, get some fresh air, do something I enjoyed, feel productive, and discover new places. It also felt comfortable, familiar, do-able, and I could interact with people if I wanted to – but I didn’t have to. Going a little further afield to towns and cafes I don’t usually frequent also meant I was unlikely to run into people I knew, which I really needed at this stage when I was still finding socialising a little anxiety provoking, not knowing how to talk about my recent experiences or even whether I wanted people to know. Chit-chat with people I didn’t know eased me back in.

When I got home the fun continued; one of the things that has always given me a disproportionate amount of joy is deciding the order in which I’m going to read my library books, and piling them up accordingly (I don’t always stick to the order, but that doesn’t really matter). I try to make sure I mix up the thrillers and more light-hearted books, the long and the quick reads, and scatter the ones I think I’ll enjoy most throughout. It always reminds me of doing the same when I was younger with a sizable pile constantly on the corner of my desk and thought I was Matilda.

After these two days I felt all kinds of things I hadn’t felt since before the surgery – productive, useful, content, excited, strong, hopeful… and, aptly given one of my borrows, that I was still me. I’m very grateful to all the libraries who were part of it, even though they didn’t know. I’d like to give a particular shout-out to Benson library who had the most friendly staff I’ve ever encountered, and the Busy Brush Cafe in Wallingford for being lovely and providing amazing coffee.

Go and try a different library than your usual. Let me know what you think.

It’s taken me longer than I thought it would to post this. I spoke out more about my miscarriage during Baby Loss Awareness Week and planned to post this as part of that, but discovered that a few tweets and conversations were more emotionally draining than I’d anticipated. I’ve had a week away from it all and realised how important it is to pace yourself emotionally, even after you think you’re starting to do better. Lighting a candle for my baby and watching it flicker with my husband brought out tears that had been hiding so that I could function at work and with my friends again, and reminded me that I’ll still need to cry sometimes.

My experience of miscarriage is what inspired me to start this blog. Walking back from the library one day, listening to a podcast about books, I realised how much reading had helped me to get back on my feet. It’s helped in many ways, and I’m sure that there are many more ways it has helped other people in other situations, and as always I’d love to hear about them if you’d like to share them. For now, I’d like to tell you about the first book I read after my loss – I didn’t read anything for a week, and then I found myself in hospital having what I’ve called ‘surprise surgery’. My husband just had enough time to nip home, grab some essentials, and come to the hospital before I was taken down. He brought my contact lens solution and pot, anticipating I’d need to take them out, a cuddly toy to keep me company, and my Kindle. I was told I’d probably go home the same day so didn’t think I’d need it, but when I woke up they said I’d be in overnight and so the following day I found myself in bed for the best part of 9 hours, unable to move without help, and with only a stuffed penguin and about 98 e-books for company.

It often seems that if you only have one option, no matter how attractive that option would be if surrounded by others, it suddenly becomes undesirable. Maybe it’s because our brains find variety attractive or maybe we just don’t like being told what to do. In my case, I knew there was a good chance I would struggle to find reading as entertaining as usual. Obviously with an e-reader you do have choice, and I always have an embarrassing number of unread books on mine which I will probably never get through…

Pro: You can start reading one book, discover that you don’t like it/you’re not in the mood for this right now, and there’s another one waiting.
Con: Sometimes you can’t cope with that much choice – choice overload is a concept which I’m sure you’ll all recognise, but sometimes what counts as an ‘overload’ for us is less than we would normally be able to deal with.

On this occasion, I definitely wasn’t in the mood to make a decision. I was still a bit dopey from the general anaesthetic and pain meds, I hadn’t moved other than to be escorted to the toilet for 24 hours and was starting to feel cabin feverish, I ached like hell and I was feeling very sorry for myself. At that moment I needed to be about 1/3 of the way into a book I was enjoying and knew I wanted to get back to. No such luck – I’d just finished a ‘real’ book. Sometimes I have a book that I’ve really been looking forward to reading, but I’ve been saving it for a long journey or forced myself to wait until I’ve finished my library pile. On this occasion, I had let a bit of a backlog of these build up, so didn’t have my obvious one to turn to.

It took me around 15 minutes of flicking through my library, trying to work out what kind of mood I was in, but eventually I landed on In the Dark by Cara Hunter. I’d read her first one, Close to Home, a few months earlier and found it unputdownable. One of the reasons why didn’t really hit me until I started In the Dark – there are no chapters. This I realised when I looked at the menu and it told me I had 5 hours until the end of the chapter. There are section breaks, and it switches between first and third person so it doesn’t feel like an endless ramble; it hooks you in and then carries you until you’re lost in the narrative. This was what I needed for the obvious reason – it completely distracted me. Other than brief bathroom breaks and having to have my obs done (and reassuring the nurses that my blood pressure is always low so no you don’t need to worry about that), I didn’t stop until I knew whodunnit. But I think Cara’s books would be good for others in this early recovery phase because you don’t know how much you will want – or be able – to read. Books with long chapters can feel like a slog because often you want to get to a ‘good’ stopping point but you’re getting tired; or you may want to read a bit more but not want to commit to a whole other chapter. Conversely, I personally find books with short chapters very frustrating when I’m reading for long periods of time because it can feel like you’re always stop-starting. With In the Dark, I felt like whenever I wanted to stop, a sensible pausing point wouldn’t be far off.

Obviously the content of books when you’re going through something difficult can matter hugely – this was nothing to do with what I was going through, and I think that’s what I needed then. I’ve since been able to read books with more triggering storylines, and have sought out books and blogposts written by women who have had similar experiences. What we need, and how ready we feel to process our experiences, changes throughout recovery, and I think being aware of this before you choose a book can help. I appreciate that not everyone would want a thriller, or something where it feels important to remember little details along the way, and I’d love to hear what other people’s first book back after a difficult time has been.

Summary of why this book was part of my recovery:
– It got me reading again
– It distracted me
– It was gripping enough to keep my interest but not so involved that it used too much brain power
– It flowed with sections the right length to put down and carry on whenever I needed to
– I had the satisfaction of reading a book in a day
– I realised at the end that I was looking forward to her next one – and starting to look forward to things again is so important
These books are a series following the same police department, so I would recommend reading them in order if you don’t want mini-spoilers, but the cases are unrelated (much like Sophie Hannah’s Waterhouse & Zailer series). The third book, No Way Out, will be out in 2019.

Category: Physical

Getting out of the house – libraries to the rescue

When reading is all you’ve got